Why Ask Why?

[Deidre Logan]

In the great mental vacuum of psychobabble and matching talk shows, seems to be an endless string of people from failed relationships asking “why”. “Why didn’t I get my promised phone call?” “Why weren’t they where they said they were going to be?” “Why did they lie to me?” “Why did they cheat on me?” Why, why, why, why!!! These pointless inquiries are usually followed by some mention of “closure” as if having “closure” somehow changes the end results. My question is why ask why?

The fact is it makes no difference. Why people do what they do rarely makes a difference. That they do what they do is what ultimately matters. Oh, I realize most people think that if the “reason” is good enough, it’s going to make everything OK somehow. But let’s face it; the reasons are usually a far cry from the near life and death scenarios we need them to be for our own rationalizations. Oftentimes, the “reasons” people give are just more lies. Which brings me back to my original question – why ask why?

Ask this, am I hurt about the lie or action? Would you really feel better knowing that you didn’t get that call because she was just trying to spare your feelings or would you prefer that she simply didn’t make a promise she never intended to keep? Would you really feel better if you knew that he lied to you just to get laid or would you prefer that he was simply honest about wanting to get laid so you could be a real adult and decide for yourself if you wanted to participate? How does it hurt less or damage you less if you know you were cheated on just because it was possible? Is it better to be cheated on for meaningless sex or because of a relationship?

My point is, whatever the “reason”, the end result is the same. Most of us have enough to do trying to replenish ourselves after a bad relationship. If you really want to spend that time productively, it would be much better to focus on what actually does matter – dealing with the reality of the situation you’re left with. Don’t deny; don’t distort; don’t try to medicate away the feelings – they suck, but they’re not fatal. People somehow manage to live through them all the time – no matter how horrible.

Give yourself the opportunity to be surprised and proud of how strong you really are. See it for what it is; deal with it; and become a better person on the other side of the pain. That way, you can be truly useful and pay your wisdom forward to someone else suffering the same agony.

Speaking the truth in love,

Deidre