1st Manuscript -- Critque's needed PLEEEAAASSEEE!!

[904Diva]

This part seems to slow people down when reading my manuscript. Do you think it's too long... boring, etc?

CHAPTER 11

Brook was excited, yet nervous, about her first day at work, almost like your first day of high school. Her Sales Manager, Jeremy Henderson, introduced her around to everyone. Brook would be selling advertising for the Adult Urban Contemporary station, Love96.1 and their Hip Hop station, The Beat 100.7. There were eight other salespeople, three women and five men. They were all black except for one white male and one Hispanic female. Brook would be getting to know them all very well over the next couple of months as she would do ride alongs with them to see how they handled their business.

Because Brook had already worked in radio promotions, the sales part was easy to understand. Your clients owned businesses like Glenn’s Auto Shop or Lucy’s Nails, etc. Those were considered direct clients because they were located locally. You got paid more commission for their business. They want to advertise their business on the radio, they bought a commercial schedule, they told you what they wanted to say in their commercial, then you wrote the commercial and had it produced. You’re done. But then, you had the big clients, the McDonalds, Walmarts and Targets. Those advertisers went through advertising agencies. Advertising agencies were the middle man for the big clients. They negotiated the deals, got better rates and did all the work for the big clients. On top of that, they charged the radio station fifteen percent for giving them the business, which was why commission paid was lower for agency business since technically the radio station was only receiving eighty-five percent of the business after paying the agency their fifteen percent. Brook understood all of that. What she needed to do was get from understanding how it worked to actually selling advertising. Luckily she was on a six month guarantee, meaning she earned a salary for six months. After six months, then she would be on commission. So, she wasn’t stressed about not making money, she just hated not knowing what to do.

By the time Friday rolled around, Brook was sick of watching videos. If she watched one more video telling her how to sell advertising, she was going to scream! It was already hard enough keeping her eyes open.
Jeremiah, one of the sales guys peeked his head into the conference room.
“Hey Brookyn, you want to ride with me to one of my appointments?” he asked.
“Yes,” Brook said quickly.
Jeremiah laughed. “Tired of watching those videos, huh?”
“Yeah, I’m ready to get my feet wet. I’m ready to see you guys in action.”
“Well you’re getting ready to see a pro at work,” Jeremiah laughed.

They went to a Honda dealership, one of Jeremiah’s regular clients. Jeremiah had come up with an idea to simply put one of their cars at an upcoming concert. People would see the car when they went to the concert. That simple! Brook watched in awe as they hung on every word Jeremiah said, about how to mention in their commercials that the car would be at the concert and to make sure to check it out. Then, show their concert stub at the dealership and receive $10,000 off the price of the car. They thought it was a wonderful idea. As they signed on the dotted line, they all shook hands, smiling and they left. When they got back in the car, Jeremiah explained that the concert promoter was also a client of his. This was called a cross promotion. He also got the concert promoter to buy extra advertising promoting the car at the concert and receiving $10,000 off with their ticket stub. So, he sold the same thing to two different clients, and they were both benefiting from the deal. Dang, Brook didn’t know if she’d ever even think of that. Jeremiah assured her she would since she had a background doing just that.
“Instead of having to ask salespeople to get things for you to give away, you think of clients who have things to give away and would compliment each other. Then, you put them together and give them something that will benefit them both, and they both buy advertising,” Jeremiah explained.
“You make it sound so simple,” Brook said.
“It’s not simple, but with your background, once you start, you’ll get the hang of it. Don't get in your own way by over thinking it.”
“Thanks, Jeremiah. It really was good seeing a pro at work. And please, no one calls me Brooklyn, call me Brook.”
“Okay Brook. I hope you enjoyed your first week, even though most of it was spent watching videos.”
“Well hopefully next week, I’ll be able to go out more.”
“Fo sho,” Jeremiah laughed.
Ewwww! Fo sho, how country, Brook thought with a giggle.

[PC Marks]

I published Broken Family Ties 12/2006 and was advised to revise it several times. So please take my advice in the encouraging spirit in which it is given. Here is my constructive critique of your excerpt.

Instead of telling us Brook was nervous and excited you should show us.

Ex:

Brook walked into the radio station conference room head held high. A bright smile stretched across her face, her right hand fidgeting with the buckle on her attaché case. She took a quick survey counting six African Americans, three men and three women, one Hispanic man and a White guy.

In the second paragraph, I think you give far too many boring details about the industry. Try to sum it up. Give enough detail that the reader understands but not so much that you lose them in translation.

Overall, I think it’s a great beginning

Official Site: www.pcpcmarks.com

[904Diva]

Wonderful!!! Thanks a million. Sometimes we do tend to get carried away in details and not even notice that we're rambling because it's our field. I was also told that I didn't give enough details, lol. I'll try to find a happy medium.

I appreciate your comments.

[Candy Adderley Dawe]

Ive just finished reading your manuscript and I agree with the comments made by the above reader. Criticism is very hard to take I admit and it can knock your socks off especially if you were like me who was deluded into thinking by my family that I had perfect writing all the time. Imagine my shock and horror when agents kept sending my work back! hehe. yes I can laugh about it now.
But I think you should go for it and stick at it.
We are in this together and always here to help.

[904Diva]

Thanks a bunch! I actually put my manuscript on another site and it got ripped to shreds, lol. So, I'm really looking over it, taking the constructive criticism I've gotten and learning from it.

I knew I needed an unbaised opinion because this was my very first try at a novel and I knew it couldn't just be that easy,lol.