Critique, Please!!! Only received 1... let's try it again!

[904Diva]

I included the Prologue this time...

Prologue



Good evening. This is DJ Smoove B on Magic96, and I’ll see you tonight at the 5th Annual Magic96 Baddest Birthday Bash! And this year it’s bigger than ever. Ladies, we’re bringing all men, just for you. You’ve heard them today in the studio, and they will be in the house tonight performing live, back together for our Baddest Birthday Bash, It’s 112!” DJ Smoove B played a snipped of “Cupid”, “and Dru Hill,” he played a snippet of “Sleeping In My Bed”. “It's the King of R&B himself, Mr. Bobby Brown,” he played “My Prerogative”. And ladies, bringing it to the new school, he’s had mega hits from his freshman and sophomore albums, and he’ll be in the house tonight performing his latest hit “Heartstopper” from his latest album that’s been blowing up the airwaves, it’s Giovanni Lay. The smooth voice of Giovanni Lay’s upbeat new jam played. And keeping you on the dance floor sweating that perm out, it’s Kiiiiiiiid Capri on the wheels of steel. So if you don’t have your ticket yet, then OH, you’re too late! Ticketmaster is sold out! He laughed, “But there will be limited tickets available at the door, so get there early. This is DJ Smoove B, and I’ll see you tonight at the 5th Annual Baddest Birthday Bash at our new location, The Grand Omni in downtown Louisville.
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CHAPTER 1


Her mind was wandering. She was mentally checking off all the things she still had left to do. She really needed to bounce, but Mr. McNeily was going on and on. “Arrgghhh! If this fool don’t shut up! I’ve got fifty-leven things I need to be doing and he’s running his dang mouth. I knew I should have just kept the party at Marvelous like we did every year, but noooo, I wanted their huge ballroom with that fly VIP area with the huge glass window that overlooked the ballroom. Plus, this was the 5th year and last year, I had to go out with a bang! And from the looks of it, it was gonna be huge! Advance tickets were sold out, the hotel was sold out. So I really don’t feel like listening to this right now. I’ll just have to let him ramble on a little longer and help this man understand that not all black people were going to shoot up his dang hotel!” “...So that’s why I was thinking maybe we should put metal detectors at the doors,” said Mr. Joshua McNeily, General Manager of the Grand Omni Hotel and current pain in her booty!

Skerrrrt... In the words of Whitney Houston, All HELLS to the NAW! I know he is not trying to go there! And on the day of the event!
“Mr. McNeily,” said Brooklyn Banks, one of the hardest working Promotions Director in the Midwest, looking calm, cool and collected while she really wanted to jump over the table and pimp slap him a few times. “You and I want the same thing, to have a nice and safe event tonight. In the previous four years that my radio station has done this event, not once has there been an incident. In fact, all of our station events have never had a shooting happen, not once! That is not who my audience is. Now I can sit here and go over Radio 101 with you and explain the difference between radio station listeners, but frankly, I don’t have the time for such
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foolishness,” she stated, starting to get heated. “I WILL NOT have my listeners going through metal detectors, period! The event is tonight and I am not going to sit here make changes on something that was done over nine months ago! Now didn’t we sell out your hotel… all the rooms are rented?”
He stumbled over and stuttered, “Yes, but...”
“No buts, Mr. McNeily. I am a professional. My listening audience are professionals, and frankly, we look too good to be messing up our hair and expensive outfits.”
They both let out a little laughter that eased the tension in the room.
“Mr. McNeily, I’ll tell you what, you hold up your end of the bargain, and I’ll hold up mine. We do still have the six portable bars in the ballroom and the two in VIP, correct?”
Turning slightly red, again, he said, “Well, I was thinking about that. Do you really need six bars in the ballroom? No one has used that many before.”
“Think he’s slick... he knows once we sell a certain amount of drinks, coupled with all the food we bought from them, the ballroom will be free.” Brook sighed.
“Mr. McNeily, one thing about my audience, they’ll pay for drinks, and yes, contrary to popular belief, they’ll also tip, but what they don’t like is to stand in long lines waiting to spend their money with us. Now, we'll need six portable bars with 2 bartenders at each just like we discussed. And in VIP, 2 bars with 2 bartenders each. And make sure you have top shelf in the VIP, including Patron, Dom and Cristal. You do have the list, correct?”
“Yes, I’ve already given them the list of items.” But by the look on his face, she knew he still wasn’t really convinced.
“Mr. McNeily, can I talk openly with you? Now we’ve had this event planned for almost a year
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and tonight is the big night. Instead of me making sure everything else is going according to plan, I’m in here with you, discussing things that we’ve already finalized!”
Mr. McNeily cleared his throat, turning red yet again, and stated, “Well, Ms. Banks, people were saying they had a big shootout over at Marvelous when that radio station had their big party, so I just want to take precautions.”
“Mr. McNeily,” Brook sighed, “let me give you a quick run down, and it will have to be quick because I really have a busy day. What kind of music do you listen to?”
He looked at her like she was straight trippin’ and said, “Well, I like News Talk myself, but if I’m in the mood to listen to music, then I’ll listen to Soft Rock.”
“Okay, now if you were going to have a nice evening out with the wife and were going to listen to live music, would you go listen to a heavy metal band?”
“Of course not, I don’t listen to that crap!” He said indignantly.
“Well, you’re white and if you’re white, then you must go to those concerts and tear things up and tattoo and pierce all kinds of unspeakable parts of your body,” she said with a smile, dimples deepening both of her cheeks.
“Point taken, Ms. Banks, point taken,” he conceded.
“Thank you, Mr. McNeily. This is going to be a great event. Your hotel is sold out, advance tickets are sold out. I just need you to make sure your people are on top of things. Now are we good to go with the drinks in VIP?”
“Yes, it will be handled, Ms. Banks. Have a great evening, and I’ll see you tonight.”

[Eddrick Dejuan]

Hi 904 Diva.

You wanted someone to critique your piece so here it is:

From the above excerpt I get the fact that Ms. Bank has a goal of trying to make Mr. McNeily see the point that there is no need for metal detectors at her party and that he needs to stop assuming that all of her listeners are gun packing thugs.

Ms. Bank devotes a lot of time in explaining to Mr. McNeily why no metal detectors are needed. I am getting the feeling that somebody is going to get shot or hurt at this party. If not why is there so much devotion to trying to convince Mr. McNeily to back off with the metal detecors?

Assuming that someone will be getting hurt at this party, I believe that you are doing a good job of building up suspense. If someone gets hurt at that party, Ms. Bank's conscience may be getting to her...depending on how emotional she is.

In all...if you are taking the reader where I think you are. The foundation and suspense has been built.

Eddrick Dejuan
Author: Madam Eve
www.eddrickdejuan.com

[Dyahnne]

Hi, 904 Diva,

I enjoyed the storyline, especially the dialogue, and I am intrigued. There are a few formatting and sentence structure issues, but your editor will handle those.

I noticed that the visual aspect of your story is missing. Where is the meeting between Ms. Banks and Mr. McNeily taking place? Besides her dimples, what does Ms. Banks look like? How is she dressed? What does Mr. McNeily look like? How is he dressed? You mentioned that Ms. Banks wanted to jump across the table. Is that a banquet table, a desk, or a conference table? Are they both seated at the table or is Ms. Banks standing because she's in a hurry?

You are off to a great start and I can't wait to see what's going to happen.

Dyahnne

[Kim Wilson]

Love it. What happened as the night progressed.

[melissa love]

Hi, 904Diva

I just want to start off by saying that I love to read a book with drama going on from the start, you have the rest of the chapter to explane what went down or how it came to be later on. So I am loving the way the story is building up on the first chapter. I also love the way you end this chapter and it would be a good idea to end all your chapter like this ( well I do?) because look at the respond you have gotten, now I have to read the next chapter to see what happen.
Now back to the material at hand, like Dyahnne, I was confuse as to where every thing was taking place-are they at the club, at her home, his office etc.
I would love your imput on chapter as well.