1st Manuscript - Be Gentle

[904Diva]

So of course the family and friends think it's wonderful, but from what I've seen, I can count on you all to be honest.


CHAPTER 1


"If this fool don’t shut up! I’ve got fifty-leven things I need to be doing and he’s running his dang mouth. I knew I should have just kept the party at Marvelous like we did every year, but noooo, I wanted their huge ballroom with their fly VIP area that had the big glass window overlooking the party. Plus, this was the 5th year and last year, I had to go out with a bang! And from the looks of it, it was gonna be huge! Advance tickets were sold out, the hotel was sold out. So I really don’t feel like listening to this right now. I’ll just have to let him ramble on a little longer and help this man understand that not all black people were going to shoot up his dang hotel! “...So that’s why I was thinking maybe we should put metal detectors at the doors,” said Mr. Joshua McNeily, General Manager of the Grand Omni Hotel and current pain in her booty!

"Skerrrrt... In the words of Whitney Houston, All HELLS to the Naw! I know he is not trying to go there, and on the day of the event!"
“Mr. McNeily,” said Brooklyn Banks, one of the hardest working Promotions Director in the Midwest, looking calm, cool and collected while she really wanted to jump over the table and pimp slap him a few times, “You and I want the same thing, to have a nice and safe event tonight. In the previous four years that my radio station has done this event, not once has there been an incident. In fact, all of our station events have never had a shooting happen, not once! That is not who my audience is. Now I can sit here and go over Radio 101 with you and explain the difference between radio station listeners, but frankly, I don’t have the time for such foolishness,” Brook stated, starting to get heated. “I WILL NOT have my listeners going through metal detectors, period! The event is tonight and I am not going to sit here make changes on something that was done over nine months ago! Now didn’t we sell out your hotel… all the rooms are rented?” she asked.
He stumbled over and stuttered, “Yes, but...”
“No buts, Mr. McNeily. I am a professional. My listening audience are professionals, and frankly, we look too good to be messing up our hair and expensive outfits.”
They both let out a little laughter that eased the tension in the room.
“Mr. McNeily, I’ll tell you what,” Brook stated, “You hold up your end of the bargain, and I’ll hold up mine. We do still have the six portable bars in the ballroom and the two in VIP, correct?”
Turning slightly red, again, Mr. McNeily said, “Well, I was thinking about that. Do you really need six bars in the ballroom? No one has used that many before.”
Think he’s slick... he knows once we sell a certain amount of drinks, coupled with all the food we bought from them, the ballroom will be free. Brook sighed.
“Mr. McNeily, one thing about my audience, they’ll pay for drinks, and yes, contrary to popular belief, they’ll also tip, but what they don’t like is to stand in long lines waiting to spend their money with us. Now, we'll need six portable bars with 2 bartenders at each just like we discussed. And in VIP, 2 bars with 2 bartenders each. And make sure you have top shelf in the VIP, including Patron, Dom and Cristal. You do have the list, correct?”
“Yes, I’ve already given them the list of items. But by the look on his face, Brook knew Mr. McNeily still wasn’t really convinced.
“Mr. McNeily, can I talk openly with you? Now we’ve had this event planned for almost a year and tonight is the big night. Instead of me making sure everything else is going according to plan, I’m in here with you, discussing things that we’ve already discussed!”
Mr. McNeily cleared his throat, turning red yet again, and stated, “Well, Ms. Banks, people were saying they had a big shootout over at Marvelous when that radio station had their big party, so I just want to take precautions.”
“Mr. McNeily,” Brook sighed, “let me give you a quick run down, and it will have to be quick because I really have a busy day.” “What kind of music do you listen to?”
He looked at her like she was straight trippin’ and said, “Well, I like News Talk myself, but if I’m in the mood to listen to music, then I’ll listen to Soft Rock.”
“Okay, now if you were going to have a nice evening out with the wife and were going to listen to live music, would you go listen to a heavy metal band?” she asked.
“Of course not,” he said, looking indignant. I don’t listen to that crap!”
“Well, you’re white and if you’re white, then you must go to those concerts and tear things up and tattoo and pierce all kinds of unspeakable parts of your body,” she said with a smile, dimples deepening both of her cheeks.
“Point taken, Ms. Banks, point taken,” he conceded.
“Thank you, Mr. McNeily. This is going to be a great event. Your hotel is sold out, advance tickets are sold out. I just need you to make sure your people are on top of things. Now are we good to go with the drinks in VIP?”
“Yes, it will be handled, Ms. Banks. Have a great evening, and I’ll see you tonight.”

[Cee Brooks]

Overall...the story held my attention which is good cause my mind wonders...lol. But, honest I'm not sure what is going on in your 1st para. I was very confused with the whole thing. The rest was well written except for your quotes. I think "thoughts" should be in quotes. You have some incomplete quotes too and sometimes the actions are not seperated. Besides that, I like it. Keep writing.

[904Diva]

Thanks a million! I changed it to have it explained that he was speaking instead of having it at the end of the paragraph. I also tightened up those quotes. The Prologue kinda explains that there is a big party going on. I didnt see any incomplete quotes... hope I didn't miss them :-(

Thanks again!

[Brent Mason]

Hey 904. I like the dialogue of your story. Flows smoothly.

I noticed a couple of issues in the action. There wasn't much action. Description or action gives the reader the imagery of what the atmosphere is. Give a setting of where these events are taking place.

Think he’s slick... he knows once we sell a certain amount of drinks, coupled with all the food we bought from them, the ballroom will be free. Brook sighed. This threw me off. Is this her thought or the action? The reason I ask is it starts "Think he's slick," like she's either talking or thinking and then goes into description of her sighing.

Mr. McNeily cleared his throat, turning red yet again, Is he turning red due to embarrassment or anger? This comes back to the description point. Reader needs to know what he is thinking by providing more narrative.

I like the dialogue but the story can't be composed just by dialogue alone. Needs to be at least 50-50% on narration as well.

Hope this helps.

[904Diva]

Thanks a bunch!!!!!! I hoped the italics would make the reader know it was thoughts, but I totally understand where you're coming from. A little more description can only help.

Thanks again!