Part of a short story I wrote.. looking for feedback

[monique]

So the story is completed I'm just Interested in knowing what people think of the story line and characters. This my first time I've put the story out to others. Thanks in advance. Also, please be advised there is some harsh language.



CHEMISTRY

“I’ll see you at one then. And Eric don’t wear that damn green shirt, you know I hate it,” she said sharply then hung up in my face.

She was 5'7 and thick in thighs, well, actually she was about 5'5 without her heels; however she definitely was thick in thighs. That body. That body was perhaps one of my favorite things about her. She wasn’t big or anything she just had meat in all the right places. Tenderloin breasts, pork chop thighs, and a porterhouse booty, brothers’ mouths watered when they saw her coming. She walked with attitude and had a slight bounce in her step that was incredibly sexy. She wore this short bob hairstyle that framed her face perfectly, and she was always sweeping her long bangs out her face with her French manicured nails. Everything on her was always done. Hair. Nails. Face. (Probably because I always paid for it) She had deep dark brown eyes and long eyelashes that almost looked fake when she put on mascara. I don’t even want to get on her lips, when she talked or ate you thought you were watching a porn flick. God, she had been blessed with some nice, sinful lips. Her skin looked like caramel, same color and just as smooth and I knew first hand it was just as sweet. The woman was hypnotizing, tantalizing, and any other -izing you could think of.

Unfortunately, the bitch is crazy.

Now I don’t mean any disrespect to women who aren’t bitches, nor do I make it a habit in calling women bitches, but Miss Legend Angie Walker was a bitch. Lil Kim had nothing on her..Legend was the Queen B. And she was definitely crazy. While dating Legend I’ve had both of my eyes blacken, a school of scratches, and received stitches on two separate occasions. You wouldn’t believe how quickly some women took advantage of a man’s “never hit a woman” rule. Once she thought I was cheating on her and keyed my car. Another time I was late for dinner and she slashed my tires and left me a note stating; “Now you have a real reason to be late”. I foolishly walked out of an argument and she bleached some of my shirts I left over her place. Those incidents barely compare to the time I didn’t return her phone calls and she decided to egg my mom’s house to get my attention. She had a quick temper and strongly believed in immediate consequences. I loved the crazy bitch though. She was always doing things to show she cared for me like backhanding a girl who was flirting with me at a party, and literally kicking the ass of another girl when she found out the girl was interested in me. She had also cussed out several guys on my behalf. Aside from all her violent tendencies I managed to find her soft side. She was very affectionate, she liked to hug, kiss, and hang all over me. And the sex…I don’t believe in reincarnation but I swear she was gymnast in a past life. In the bedroom Legend didn’t shy away from much. If I wanted it, she gave it to me. I’ll admit the sex alone had prevented me on several occasions from breaking up with her.
Today, however I wanted to avoid a trip to the emergency room, I poured a small amount of the Polo Sport cologne from the bottle and rubbed it vigorously in my hands then slapped it on my body. I tossed my green shirt in the hamper and put on a red polo shirt. I was meeting Legend for lunch at one o’clock and more than likely we were breaking up. I sat in some light traffic thinking about the first time I met Legend.

The Beginning
It was a little past nine and the student center was fairly quiet because most students were in the first class of the day. I looked around trying to find a secluded spot that I could eat my breakfast burrito and start doing some last minute studying. I had Business Statistics exam in a hour and I was feeling the pressure, my mom had threaten to crack my head open if I brought back the same grades I brought home freshman year, so now I was determined to change things my sophomore year. I found an empty table in the corner of the lounge. I walked over and tossed my Stat book on the table. I unwrapped my burrito and took a huge bite. That’s when I saw her out the corner of my eye. She was dressed in gray sweats with a fitted pink zip up hoodie. Her auburn streaked hair was pulled in a high ponytail as she carried a book in one hand and what looked like a smoothie in the other hand. I just sat there staring like an idiot with pieces of burrito on my bottom lip. When she noticed me I quickly shifted my attention. Who was she? I hadn’t seen her on campus before and there was no way I would forget a face like hers. I looked up again and saw where she was sitting. She sat on the couch near the student market sipping on her smoothie. You couldn’t help but notice her full lips wrapped around the straw.
“Down boy.” I mumbled feeling my dick coming to life between my legs.
I sucked in some air then released it and finally opened up my Stat book. I bent down to search in my backpack for a something to write with and when I lifted my head she was standing beside me. She looked even better up close. She was fine.
“You know it’s rude to stare.”
“Sorry.” Was all I could manage to get out. She looked at me as if she was trying to figure out if I was being sincere.
“I don’t usually stare.” I continued. Without me asking she sat down in the seat across from me. She unzipped her hoodie revealing a white tank top that was hugging her breast just right. It took everything in me not stare at the cleavage peek booing me through her tank top.
“Haven’t seen you on campus on before?”
She leaned forward a bit making it easier to sneak a peek at her breast “And I haven’t seen you before.” She said.
Was she flirting with me? Hell, forget Business Statistics. If all else fails I can take summer school.
“You weren’t here last year?”
“How do you know that?”
I put on my best smile “I’d remember you.”
“In other words you’ve scoped out all the black girls on campus already. And you know I’m fresh meat.”
That stung a bit. But I didn’t mind a woman who had a little fire in her.
“Ok that’s fair. It’s also that you have an unforgettable face.”
She didn’t seem flattered or gush. “I transferred from her from State.”
“State huh I know a few-“
She glanced on at the huge clock hanging in the student center.
“I gotta run”
She zipped up her hoodie, stood up and grabbed her stuff. And was moving toward the doors of the student center.
“Hang on a sec” I said practically falling out of my chair “Let me at least get your name.”
She looked me up and down “It’s Legend”
“Legend?”
She didn’t respond and headed out the student center. I arrived at my Business Statistics class five minutes early and sat in the empty desk next to AJ, my best friend, who had his head buried in his book. I was grinning from ear to ear when he finally looked up from his book.
“You looked like you won the lottery. What’s up with you?”
I could tell from the circles around AJ’s eyes he had been up all night studying.
“AJ, my man, I’m in love.”

I really do love Legend, but at 28 I’m just getting too old for her shit and so was everyone else around me. We’d broken up a few times before, and each time she’d have a fit, call me up in two days and start sweet talking me. She’d convince me to let her come over and we usually wake up the next morning butt naked in the bed, on the kitchen floor or in the living room. Well, this time it’s going to be different we’re breaking up for good. I need to move on and so did she. I thought she had a good idea this was coming. Lately, we can barely be in the same room together without having a screaming match.
I glanced at my watch I couldn’t be late, her crazy ass would be irate before I got a chance to break up with her.
I arrived at Vinny T’s with five minutes to spare and saw no signs of Legend. I got us a table not far from the exit, just in case things got out of hand. I asked the waiter for a coke and told him to have the Hennessey handy. Fifteen minutes later, she slid into the room wearing some clingy black dress I hadn’t seen before. I exhaled maybe I would need that Hennessey sooner than I thought. She was on her cell phone laughing until she spotted me. Her X-rated lips settled into a slight frown. I stood up and helped her with her chair.
“Did you order me a drink?” she asked taking a seat.
I shook my head and she rolled her eyes so hard I though there were going to roll out her eye sockets. The waiter arrived with my drink and placed it in front of me. She grabbed it and took a sip.
“I think the gentlemen needs to order a drink.”
I looked at her for a second and told the waiter to bring me another drink.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I cancelled lunch with Trina because you wanted to have this 'oh so important' lunch with me. So, forgive me if I’m not that happy with you.”
I rubbed my temples. Why did she have to make everything so difficult? When I met her in college it took me three weeks to get her number and another three before I could take her out. I hoped just once she wouldn’t act how she always acted…crazy.
“So, what’s so important Eric, I know you didn’t ask me to lunch, so we could look at each other. We can do that anytime.”
I looked at her flawless face and reconsidered the break up. Legend had potential not only was the woman fine she was smart. In college she was an accounting major and a wiz with numbers. I don’t know how I would of survived Business Calculus without her. However, the memory of her tossing my new Nikes out the window of her apartment when she thought I had a thing for Trina rushed back.

The Bad Times
“Just answer the question Eric. Do you think Trina is attractive?”
Legend sat next to me on the couch staring at me. This was supposed to be a quiet evening but my world had been turned upside down since Trina had stopped by here looking for her. Legend arrived just in time to see Trina leave and she had concocted some crazy idea that I liked Trina.
“Legend,baby, I thought we were going to spend a quiet evening together”
Trying my best to diffuse the situation I touched the side of her face and eased in for a kiss. She knocked my hand away and pushed my face away.
“I asked you a question.”
I sighed loudly which I know pissed her off because her eyes narrowed.
“I’m not answering that question because I can’t win. If say no you’re going to accuse me of lying and if I say yes you’re going to fly off the handle.”
She stared at me intensely I could tell by the look in her eyes she was about to set it off.
“That is a copout!”
I say nothing. Silence is golden I think to myself. I know anything I say is going to be used against me.
“Let me tell you something I’m not about to be one of these chics whose man is sticking her best friend behind her back.”
I shook my head disgusted by her gross exaggeration.
“Legend you’re out of line. Listen to me I DON’T WANT TRINA! I only want you. What’s the matter with you? I thought Trina was your girl. Are you jealous of her or something?”
Damn, why did I say that? I could tell I hit a nerve.
“Oh I see you want to test me today.”
She stood up and marched out the living room to the bedroom.
“Legend!” I called after her. I put my face in my hands. The woman is impossible. I stood up and walked to the bedroom. Where I found her tossing my stuff all over my room.
“I’ll show you jealous. Asshole!”
A button-up shirt hit me in my face.
“Why do you do this shit?”
Ignoring me she continued. “Why would I be jealous of Trina? She doesn’t have anything I want.” She threw a few CDs I had on my night stand at me
I bent down to pick them up and that’s when I saw her standing at the window with my brand new Air Jordan’s dangling over the ledge. I froze.
“Ok, let’s calm down. We’re having a complete misunderstanding here.”
She knew she had the upper hand as she held onto my shoes by their shoe laces.
“Now I have your attention… before I was jealous”
I swear at that moment if Legend was a man I would've jumped on her so fast she wouldn’t of known what hit her. But she wasn’t a man …she was my hot, crazy girlfriend.
“Sweetie...you know I just bought those kicks-“
“And!” she said defiantly.
“And we need to just go back to the living room and talk.
I felt like a negotiator on the police hostage team. I inched closer… slowly.
“You know I didn’t mean to call you jealous. It came out wrong. C’mon baby lets chill.”
Her glare on me softenend a bit. Maybe I was breaking through. I moved closer watching my shoes dangle by their shoelaces.
“So do you think Trina is attractive?”
I sighed. She’s a headache.
“No. I don’t”
She stood there thinking searching my face for the truth.
“You’re such a liar.”
And in a blink of the eye she flung my shoes out the window.
“DAMMIT Legend!” I yelled.
She pointed her finger “Don’t fuck with me!”
She marched out my room grabbed her purse and left. I looked out the window starring at my left shoe sinking in a mud puddle.
Yea this had to end today. I went over the script in my head really quick making sure everything would sound right. Break up. Scene one. Action.
“Legend, I love you but I don’t think we need to be together anymore. I’m done.”
Her head jerk back like she wasn’t sure what she heard.
Did I see her bottom lip quiver slightly?
“What do you mean 'I’m done’?” she asked softly.
The softness in her voice was throws me but I stay firm.
“I mean, you and me are through. If you call me tomorrow talking, baby this, sweetheart that, I love you, I miss you...I’m gonna be forced to hang up on you. I’m serious Legend; I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
I look at her eyes. Were those tears filling them up? Damn I must have hit a nerve. Legend rarely cried. The only time I’d seen her cry is when she got Homecoming Queen and when I had to get stitches because she threw a wine bottle at me. She turned her head and remained quiet. Uncomfortably quiet. There wasn’t any sniffling or sobbing just silence.
“So, what is it, you found another woman or is that you just don’t want me anymore? What? I don’t treat you right? I’m not pretty enough for you? What is it?”
She sounded genuine and I felt bad. I reached across the table and touched her hands.
“Naw, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that... I’m getting older, you’re getting older. We’re just growing apart.”
She pulled her hand away and covered her face; I couldn’t tell what she was doing. Maybe she was thinking about the whole situation, wondering where she had gone wrong. Maybe she was contemplating whether or not she should finish lunch with me. Suddenly her head popped up like a Jack-in-the-box. Her teary eyes were replaced with an evil glare that burned into me.
“Nigga, fuck you!”
The words shot out her mouth like darts.
“I am the best damn thing that ever happened to your sorry ass and you want to DUMP me. Your lame ass will NEVER get anything this good on the best day of your sucky life. GODDAMNIT! I should be breaking up with you! Do you realize how many other men are drooling over this?”
She cupped her breast and pushed them up.
“But I stuck it out with you for four years and you want to throw it all away. Well, Eric you won’t have to worry about me calling you after today or any other day for that fact because it will be a cold day in hell and a hot one in heaven before I talk to your monkey- looking, need- to- make- more- money, always- wanna- a- bitch- to- be on-top ass again!”
She dumped her drink in my lap, stood up, straightened her dress, and exited the building. It was like a damn scene from a movie. I just sat there with the ice freezing my balls and people in the restaurant staring at me. One thing was for sure Legend was history.

[B. Sharise Moore]

Peace sis... why not title this story Legend? The irony of this character's name along with her "legendary" antics was solid. The title Chemistry doesn't do this piece enough justice. Avoid some redundancy in your descriptions. In your opening paragraph, you discuss Legend's thighs several times, which would be fine if you approached it differently in each instance. Revise for errors in grammer (i.e. tense, omission of words, etc.). The last line was outstanding. The story truly came full circle.

[monique]

Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it. The title of the story ties to a larger theme in the entire story. I know it's hard to see that in just the first part of the story above.

[Dyahnne]

Very good story. There are some grammar issues. I was a little confused on two points.

1. At the beginning of the break-up scene, Eric says that he went over the script in his head. I thought that the dialogue following "Break up, Scene One, Action" was how he had envisioned the scene. It wasn't until close to the end that I realized that this was "live." You might want to revisit the transition.

2. Legend says that she stuck with Eric for four years. Was there a previous break-up period in their relationship? They met when he was a sophomore in college, he's now 28. Seems like it should have been longer than four years.

You did a great job with character development -- I know both of these people. (smile) Great dialogue. I especially love the last line.

Dyahnne

[monique]

thanks Dyahnne i will look into that transition. And your so right about the time they were together i was back and forth on how long they should have been together and never came to a resolution on it. I need to decide. Thanks for reading.