First NOVEL please READ, REVIEW AND RESPOND!! WOULD YOU BUY IT? PART 1

[Janise L]

Chapter One

It was the first day of summer, HOT!! Was all that could come to mind. The weather man said it was going to be a scorcher. I laid my keys on the table as I came through the door. I thumbed through the mail, bill, bill, bill, as I flipped through the mail and came to the last piece of mail I seen a neatly written envelope Ta’Asia Jefferson 1415 Morning Dew Lane. Who could be writing to me? I thought. I turned it over and seen the mailing address, 2150 Tacoma Dr. Las Vegas, Nevada. Nevada? I don’t know anyone in Nevada. I was about to toss it but it intrigued me enough, I went ahead and opened it.

Dear Ms Jefferson,
You are invited to Xtacee Suites and Resort. This is an all Expense paid trip. You are scheduled for arrival in three days. Your ticket and flight information as well as hotel room number, is enclosed. Please be prepared to stay two weeks. All questions will be answered by your staff upon arrival.
Anticipatingly,
Yours
Mine? My staff? Scheduled? Ok was this some kind of joke? Whatever. I thought. I tossed the letter on the counter and didn’t think about it anymore. Later on that evening
I was sitting in my bath tub, I had had a long week. My cars transmission had went out and it cost me 2 months rent to get it fixed. My boss gave me a ridiculous assignment that I had to present to the corporate heads, and he had never even scheduled the meeting!! All I wanted to do was relax. Relax, at a resort…I laughed out loud. My mind wandered back to my suspicious letter I received. I could go, I mean everything is already set up. All I have to do is pack. I have enough vacation saved up. It wouldn’t be a problem to take off. Although I don’t know who’s behind it. It could be a set up. Hmmm, I sighed.

[Brent Mason]

I like First person narration. It provides me with a sense of the narrator based on how they speak, the type of attitude they have and the personality they evoke. However, it's probably the most complex usage of storytelling there is in regards to Novellas.

The passages are sort of chopped up. For example, the first sentence, "It was the first day of summer, HOT!! Was all that could come to mind" as there is a comma capped HOT!! then capped Was... sounds like a fractured finished and yet unfinished sentence.

Maybe it could read, "It was the first day of summer and HOT was all that came to mind." or simply put, "It was a hot summer day. 98 degrees was the temperature on the bank sign." However you want to put it, these are just suggestions.

Lots of I's recur through the section. "I was sitting in my bath tub, I had had a long week." Take the weight off and start the sentence with maybe description of things such as, "Relaxing in the bath after a long day made me feel less tense. All the problems of the past week become drowned by the bath water. The Lambrusco had a delicious flavor that separated it from other wines. I smiled knowing that after a glass of this there would be no more cares for a little while."

I like the mystery behind the letter. Don't rush or hurry it too much. Cultivate it, take your time and I guarantee this could be as big a success that it sounds like. Never heard of a street called Morning Dew Ln. Sounds like a nice street to live on. =)

-Brent

[Cee Brooks]

I really like this piece. This 1st person nara. was a good idea. The only thing I would do is use quota's to seperate thought from action. ex. 1st paragraph..... "Who could be writing me?", I thought turning the letter over to see the mailing address. "2150 Tacoma Dr. Las Vegas, Nevada. Nevada? I don’t know anyone in Nevada.", I wiped the sweat from my forehead confused. I was about to toss it but it intrigued me enough so, I opened it.
Hope my suggestions will help you... but, I really liked it!

[Savannah J]

Hi Janise,
I agree with the other authors. Take some time and rework the sentences so that they flow a little smoother. For example the tub scene could go something like this: Later on that evening I decided to draw myself a bath, light some candles and relax in my tub. It had been a very long week with one challenge after another arising. For starters, the transmission in my car went out costing me two month's rent to have it repaired . . .
Just some suggestions; hope this helps. BTW the name of the hotel sounds intriguing (smile).

[Greta Chapin-McGill]

This intoduction is very compelling. Who sent the letter, why you? Check your use of the word "seen". Your sentences need to flow a little smoother. Is it the first day of summer? Than you should say that it "is the the first day of summer" So, I would say. "The first day of summer, the weather man predicted a scorcher, and HOT described it completely." This way you are "in" the day so to speak. "The return address read 2150 Tacoma Dr. Las Vegas, Nevada. I don't know anyone in Nevada, but something about it intrigued me,I went ahead and opened it"
Hope this is a help.

[PC Marks]

HI Janise,

Ms. Jefferson is going to take the trip to Xtacee, she is going to meet some one and have lurid sex? I hope not, that would be way too predictable.

I don't mean to be too critical but I think honesty is the best policy.

[Janise L]

Omg!! I am so sorry i haven't responded, i've been so tied up with school and work i barely had time to right my manuscript, but...it is finished. With the suggestions that you all have made i would love for some to look it over for me. I never saw the suggestions you guys have made to me and would love to enhance my story by adding in some of the things you all have said. I have 235 double spaced pages so give or take 100 and something pages that definately need some editing!!! HELP!!!